kelaruj: (Default)
Ohh god the past couple days have been so emotional. I'm sorry, to everyone on pchat, for any tension or drama directly or indirectly caused by me in the past couple months.
Yesterday made me really happy to know not only does everyone not hate me, but actually want me around. Today made me really happy that the person I caused a lot of anguish doesn't even hate me either. I was so sure she'd see my name and say "...... :/ why are YOU here?" because that would be the reaction I would deserve. Hostility. Contempt.

I'm sorry, I'm such a chickenshit. My instinct is to believe that if I start having problems being around someone that it's better for everyone if I just leave and take my irritable self out of the picture. That if I have to choose between calling someone out for doing something that rubs me the wrong way, or to avoid confrontation and disappear, I choose to run away. That if *I'm* the one getting upset, it's *my* fault for getting upset, and to try to change the other person is wrong and can't be done. It's.. obviously not the best method of doing things. I have yet to learn through the 5+ times I've done it to close friends and partners.

I guess I do it because I fear rejection.. that if I'm the one doing the rejecting, it doesn't have to be the other way around, and takes the hurt off of me (while pushing it all onto them).
I can't blame my behavior on my parents but they always tell me "if you hang around someone who upsets you so much, don't hang around them anymore!"

I don't even offer an explanation before I call it quits.. I think that's the worst thing about what I do.. There isn't any attempt at all to salvage or explain, I just.. leave. The other person is always left feeling "what did I do?" My ex-girlfriend of eight months had asked me two years after I left her for an explanation on why I left her.

So why? Why do I keep doing this to everyone I ever get close to even though I have plenty of experience to tell me that doing this is a terrible thing to do? I don't know. I really hope this is the last time. No, well.. rather than 'hope' it is, it will be. Never doing this again, I swear.

After all of this.. to be able to say that I'm a good person? Seriously.. I don't get it, haha.. But I'm happy..
kelaruj: (Default)
New art journal! Will be my most active art place now.

School's being annoying. In order to take any 4000-level courses (basically, the only ones I have left to take :| ) I have to be admitted in the business college inside the college I'm already in. I thought I could request an override to at least be able to register for them while I submitted my application in summer semester... but they were all denied. T_T Can't fucking wait to get in this thing so I don't have to fuck with overrides all the time anymore. I've completed all the requirements to get in other than meeting with an advisor and paying the exorbitant application fee..
So yeah, long story short the schedule I planned for fall is fucked and I'm not sure what I'll end up with because I'll have to register late.
I have 6 non-4000-level classes left (excluding this summer), 10 4000-level.. only 16 classes left until I graduate~~ Though maybe 17 because I REALLY want to take industrial-organizational psychology before I graduate even though it has nothing to do with my major. ;_;

Summer semester starts next week.. :> I only have two classes but they're both 2.75 hours long. Finance is 5pm-7:45, accounting is 8-10:45, Tuesdays and Thursdays. I expect to get pretty far in Trickster this summer.. lol. That's how I got through music and law last year, except law was more around 3.5 hours. x_x Will probably be on pchat too if anyone else is, since I'll be bored to tears.
kelaruj: (Default)
I need to take a break after all. =w=; Thought I'd gotten past my art block but of course I hadn't. No need to remain in a place I'd only sulk in.
HetaOni is so awesome~ I finally watched it and cried so much. ;w; I'd been wanting something to make me cry for a while now and this was finally it. As much as I would like to do fanart of it somehow, have been feeling much too inferior to what others have drawn.
Typing has become much easier. Still not that great, but I tend to be around 35-40wpm on typing tests lately.
Haha.. it's hard to know what to do when my main method of cheering myself up when I feel like crap is what's bringing me down in the first place.
kelaruj: (Default)
Just posting this for if/when anyone wants to oC so I don't have to explain how to connect individually.

Hamachi (unmanaged)

I believe you have to make an account with LogMeIn Hamachi.. it's been so long, I'm not sure. I can't really write this part out since I can't remember the steps to do so originally. If anyone has any problems figuring out how to connect with Hamachi, just let me know.

Start Hamachi. In the program, go to the Network tab, join an existing network. Network ID is "usxuk" and password is "uk4tw", same as pchat.
Start openCanvas. It probably won't be in English, so go to the top right tab and select English. Go to the network tab, show network window, client tab, connect IP should be set at Change your username as you wish. No password. Click the button and you should connect.

Voilá. >w> Layers, chat, pen pressure, undo, event logging, rotation, zoom, etc. Lots of stuff~~

The biggest setback to oC is that someone (me, in this case) has to be online and have the server set up in order for people to be able to connect.
Edit: Err, scratch that. The biggest setback is that event playback is extremely slow. Leaving or disconnecting at all means you have to rejoin and sit through a very long playback.. >_< Not only is it slow, but oC itself has to be the active window for it to load at all. Sigh.
kelaruj: (Default)
Sooo~ pchat people may be familiar with this page...

I've been wanting to spice it up for a while now, so I figure it's high time to actually do something about it. I want to post people's pchat art on each side of the page so it's less blank and boring!! And it'll show off some of the awesome art we do on pchat!

I'm just not sure exactly what to put there. I kind of want a bunch of us to doodle up some chibis/small drawings. Oh! Maybe like, I could collage together drawings by everyone in pchat. :D And if anyone wanted to add a drawing I could edit it in~~ ahhhhhh getting so excited about this. One drawing per person~~ or maybe twooo, maybe one side of the page could be America drawings and the other could be Englanddddd

Feel free to put in your 2¢ or give me a picture for the collage-to-be, or you could just allow me to go through your past pchat art and I can pick out something idk. ^q^ /excited
kelaruj: (Default)
lol oh wow! How about that! I actually fulfilled all of my New Years Resolutions from last year! 
Got a job, moved out, got a car~ ^^ I did commissions for the first time as well.

I'm surprised I actually made resolutions though, it's always been a little tradition of mine to not make resolutions and just reflect back on the past year and the great points about it. I prefer appreciating the good of what happened rather than putting a negative spin on seeing what I did wrong and how to improve. So, let's see...

I graduated high school this year as valedictorian. :D That was pretty awesome.
Though I left my only friend at the time early this year, I've reconnected with my best friend since middle school (and is now my housemate), and have made many new awesome friends through pchat!
I orgasmed for the first time ^q^
Surpassed 1000 watches on FA~
Yet again drew more pictures than last year. I could've sworn this year I wasn't going to do nearly as many drawings, since I had quit doing Livestreams, but then pchat came along... XD
And of course, moved out, got a car, got a job.

I'm sure there's much more than that but those are the high points I can think of. :D 2010 was fucking AWESOME. And 2011 will be even awesomer.
kelaruj: (Default)
Yay done with school! I've got two guaranteed A's and one B.. not sure about my other two classes. Pretty sure it'll be another A and a B though. Two B's.. I haven't gotten a B since middle school. Oh well. I had a 4.0 in high school, valedictorian. That's impressive enough. I don't need a 4.0 in college too. ... >.> sigh. I'm not really upset, just.. it's just weird. I've taken school so seriously the previous four years, and then this past semester things just slipped. Planning on redeeming myself next semester and getting all A's again.

Planning on treating this weekend as my winter break and then I'll go all gung-ho on applying to jobs again on Monday. I already tried to make changes to some online applications today and they wouldn't let me. o_o;; It's.. kind of important. Being available for three days a week, changed to being available 24/7.. that's a pretty significant thing I need to be able to update. But, oh well, I'll just have to go out and apply to some places in person rather than online.

Thanks to textbook buyback, I've gotten a bit of extra funds to help me through the month.. I had two books, one of which buyback wasn't accepting, but they were accepting trade-ins for the other. I went to college to check prices there, and for some reason they were buying back the book wasn't, and weren't accepting the book that was. for me!
So yeah.. with that, I refunded my commissioners. As much as I need the money, I can't fucking stand commissions anymore. I hate doing them so much. I'll be fine with them for a while, and then it'll be a drag but I can still get through them, and then it just develops into this utter hatred toward the idea of doing commissions and I cannot bring myself to even begin them anymore. But, now with those off of my mind, I might be able to draw my furry OCs more often without feeling incredibly guilty (for putting off commissions), and may try to post on FA more often.

Though.. I do need to devote my time at the moment to my secret santa assignment.. hmm. Will probably spend tomorrow working on it a while, at least before the pchat fills up. I've got most of it written out, and probably half of the non-porn part sketched.
kelaruj: (Default)
I love you guys :'D
kelaruj: (Default)
I keep dreaming about weird shit and then I try to remember it aaand five minutes after I wake up it's like, all gone. I do remember reminding myself that I had dreamed about sapphire and Maiyeng and chim in pchat (AGAIN) but I can't remember what we were doing/drawing other than that.. we were just.. in the pchat.
I swear, with how obsessed I was(/am) over Monster Hunter, the fact that I am so much more obsessed with Hetalia and the pchat that I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT THEM is kind of impressive. I think I dreamed about MH a couple times though. Just not nearly as much as Hetalia. My god.

Speaking of MH, I'm kind of getting into it again, ahahaha. <w< I meant to go play Freedom Unite again a few days ago but I totally forgot that I had given back my brother's PSP battery to him. I did play a quest or two but trying to play games on a pandora battery just sucks. I use sleep mode too much to get used to that. I don't regret making a pandora out of mine though. Don't regret it one bit. But I did order a new battery and got it in so quickly, man I love Amazon (and my brother's Amazon Prime that I get to leech off of despite not living with him anymore eheheh). but omg. fuck diablos, man. 6000 HP? I don't think so. What with him running all over the fucking map and digging constantly, not only was I like five minutes away from timing out, but FUCKING GENPREY KEPT PARALYZING ME AND DIABLOS KEPT USING THE OPPORTUNITY TO DIG and I died for the 3rd time anyway. He still had like 2000 HP. I need better weapons. Or, yknow, just need to stop dying. That would help. >_>
But slkdfjsdl other than diablos pwning me I still love this game so much. Tigrex is so fun to fight. And Rathian. And everything other than Diablos and Plesioth. :D

I totally need to stop cooking new things without recipes. I tried to cook homemade soup AGAIN without consulting a recipe and wow. I took one bite and gagged. >.< Going over to my parents again soon and I'm going to ask them to show me how to make soup properly ugh x_x That was my second attempt at homemade soup (1st crab, 2nd spinach) and they both sucked.. so much..

 Only seven days of school leeeft (well, 10 including exam days). Feelin good about my grades. Definitely will get an A in English, macroecon, and BISM, but I need to study hard for accounting and statistics.

I've been getting used to driving more these past few months, I'm actually starting to enjoy driving. Kind of. Okay, maybe that's a stretch. But still. I enjoy driving when no one is behind me. People tail me like hell.. not much of a surprise, since I actually drive the speed limit *gasp* blasphemy! everyone knows people are supposed to drive 10 above the speed limit! >_> Going 34 in a 35 is impeding traffic! rar rar rar honk honk tail tail!
I can't wait for the day someone speeds to pass me and a cop pulls them over.. HAHA WISHFUL THINKING that's never going to happen. I find it more likely that someone's going to run into me from behind from following too closely. Now THAT is going to happen one day, most definitely. I swear, some of these people drive not half a foot away from my car. It's fuckin scary.
I have never met anyone, IRL or online, who drives like I do. D: Everyone is so insanely impatient once they get into a car. but eh. I can bitch about this for days. *shuts up*
kelaruj: (Default)
WHOA. I just had a dream about the pchats. And there were actually specific people in there. Namely chim and alen, but they were both.. male..? XDD And alen would play guitar and sing for us. Dammit even though I just woke up I still forgot most of it already. A lot of the dream was about us actually drawing (and we would draw each other in irl, not Hetalia) but the last part morphed into me looking into a resume but my adviser sent me on a mission instead with a group of people, all of us holding balloons, to collect apples and make satirical Christian comments.
Still, wow. Way to go, subconscious. Way to make me feel like a creeper, actually dreaming about particular people. XD

Edit: Oh, and there was a bunch of the dream dedicated to driving too. I kept bumping into things. D: And police cars were everywhere. Hmm I wonder what my dream is trying to tell me!! >w>
kelaruj: (Default)
A new house key... ;w; and a new car key..

Life is goooooood~~ I am going to actually start packing now that it's a done deal, and I'll probably spend the weekend moving in!! I won't be able to be in the pchats all day each day this weekend but knowing me I'll probably unpack my computer first and spend all night on the pchat anyway and not get anything else done. XD fdsfdffffffff this is just.. so awesome. so. awesome...

Edit: Also, note to self, CA is California, not Canada. lol (dammit Hetalia *shake fist*)
kelaruj: (Default)
I keep saying it, but damn, it bears repeating. I've been so fucking happy lately. <3
There are so many people who come to the usuk pchats.. Merely entering the room to be greeted with 5-10 people saying "hey kile!" is just astounding in itself. Just.. just thinking that I'm a part of the community.. is so awesome..
I'm even putting forth the effort to remember who everyone is. XD (jk.. kind of) I do have a really hard time paying attention to people's names. I'll know people by their art, avatar, manner of writing, appearance, etc. but I CAN'T REMEMBER NAMES. But, yeah. I actually remember people's names in the usuk pchats now. :D ....because I stalker-ish-ly write everyone's names down and try to mentally connect their style with their name, and mark if someone draws, writes, or is a lurker.. uhhhh it sounds a lot weirder when I write it out lol. >.< But it works..

But yeah.. lol, I totally stood up until 10am yesterday on the pchat, fell asleep until 9pm, and have still been on ever since I woke up. It's so much fun omg. But I feel like what happened yesterday happened a week ago, my sense of time is fucked, ahahaha. XD
kelaruj: (Default)
Mannn life is gooood. Aside from the awesomeness of the pchats, summer semester is over, and I've already got a confirmed A in one of the two classes I took, and I'll find out the other one in half a day or so.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago about Hetalia weres, it's wormed its way into my mind to the extent that I'm even writing a story about it now. Me, actually willingly writing something.. XD And, well, the story I'm writing isn't quite the same as the dream, but it carries a lot of its qualities. I was wondering whether I should change America from being a jaguar to some other animal, but I'm keeping the jaguar from the dream after all. England's still a black wolf too, and still the successor of an undercover, illegal organization.
Ahh, I'm just so excited about it. <3 I've got a bunch of the plotline written out, but not all of it, characters and their animal counterparts figured out, designs more or less figured out, etc. So fun. And now that I'm on break, I have a lot of time to write about it and draw it.
I don't think it's going to be a full-out comic, but more of a fanfic with accompanying images here and there, or particular plot points of the fic drawn out in comic-like excerpts. Kinda like this. I started writing after I drew this, so the scene doesn't really happen, but it kind of does.

It's just.. XD; I feel so weird drawing concept art about it. I just feel weird drawing these characters as kemonomimi/animals. I don't know whether it's welcome or not. I don't know whether it's too closely associated with furry and therefore not wanted. I don't want to be confronted about bastardizing the canon characters or something. x__x But, as I've been told and as I try to keep telling myself, haters gonna hate, and there are people here and there who aren't outwardly disgusted by it, so I guess everything's fine.

November 2012

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